Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
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I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby