Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?