Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.