@WilliamAder

One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.

@WilliamAder

Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.

@WilliamAder

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

@WilliamAder

Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.

@WilliamAder

Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.

@WilliamAder

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

@WilliamAder

As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”

@WilliamAder

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.

@WilliamAder

Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.