@WilliamAder

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

@WilliamAder

My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.

@WilliamAder

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

@WilliamAder

It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

@WilliamAder

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

@WilliamAder

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

@WilliamAder

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

@WilliamAder

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

@WilliamAder

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.