One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.