@WilliamAder

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

@WilliamAder

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

@WilliamAder

I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

@WilliamAder

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.

@WilliamAder

Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.

@WilliamAder

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

@WilliamAder

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

@WilliamAder

It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

@WilliamAder

Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.