If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.