Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
“What?”
– Jude
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”