Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile