Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.