Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Hot dogs: $20
Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.