Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Smallpox sounds so adorable
“Man, what’s eating you today?
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
DTF (Down time finally)
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*