Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
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My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”