I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
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Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.