99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.