Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.