@_Tempo11

Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.

@_Tempo11

I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.

@_Tempo11

My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.

@_Tempo11

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

@_Tempo11

Me: I’m going to poop

Dog: Great I’m coming with you

@_Tempo11

Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.

@_Tempo11

“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.