My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.