if you鈥檝e successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you鈥檙e six hours late
007: the name鈥檚 bond鈥ames bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 馃檪
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I鈥檓 by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Elton John: Mars ain鈥檛 the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it鈥檚 cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can鈥檛 eat
me: airplanes
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*