@_elvishpresley_

For Sale:

baby shoes, never worn.

too small.

should have bought adult shoes.

@_elvishpresley_

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

@_elvishpresley_

COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone

TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

@_elvishpresley_

boss: david, you’re fired

me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂

@_elvishpresley_

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

@_elvishpresley_

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

@_elvishpresley_

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]

Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]

@_elvishpresley_

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

@_elvishpresley_

waiter: do you have any allergies?

me: latex

waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat

me: airplanes

@_elvishpresley_

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic