Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
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Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?