ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings

GENIE: dude


please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody


PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school


GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale

WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point


“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon


MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*


GUY: I think I’m done eating

ME: did you need a to-go box?

DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that


[the creation of nostalgia]

GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings

ANGEL: okay

GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings

ANGEL: uh—

GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again

ANGEL: dude what is your problem


AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious



ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit