In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.