@abbycohenwl

[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it

@abbycohenwl

Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never!

[in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]

@abbycohenwl

There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture

@abbycohenwl

In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale

@abbycohenwl

Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

@abbycohenwl

Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first

@abbycohenwl

I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

@abbycohenwl

Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder

@abbycohenwl

How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life

@abbycohenwl

Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?

Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month