I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
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*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
The most important meal of the day is the next one
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Aight bet
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too