If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
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Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Jurassic park gets weird
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work