@alldrolledup

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

@alldrolledup

my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up

me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair

@alldrolledup

You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you

@alldrolledup

when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth

@alldrolledup

A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD

@alldrolledup

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

@alldrolledup

One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week

@alldrolledup

Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:

Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude

@alldrolledup

He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’

@alldrolledup

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.