My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.