@ashmensch

If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.

@ashmensch

It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.

@ashmensch

That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.

@ashmensch

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

@ashmensch

If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.

@ashmensch

*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*

“Oh no! My research!!”

@ashmensch

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

@ashmensch

“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”

– gas station nachos

@ashmensch

Harry: Want to see a magic trick?

Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.

Harry: Got your nose!

Voldemort: You know I hate that game.

@ashmensch

Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?

Me: Stay at home couch accessory.