@ashmensch If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
@ashmensch @ashmensch It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
@ashmensch That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
@ashmensch [getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
@ashmensch If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
@ashmensch *Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
@ashmensch *entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
@ashmensch “I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
@ashmensch Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
@ashmensch Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.