If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.