When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning
Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me