I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
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