@audipenny i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
@audipenny @audipenny [reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
@audipenny [chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
@audipenny Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
@audipenny Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
@audipenny What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
@audipenny [god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
@audipenny NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
@audipenny I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
@audipenny friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though