Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
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Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Finally a use for spoilers…
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
barbara was highly relatable