@aveuaskew Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
@aveuaskew @aveuaskew *walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
@aveuaskew My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
@aveuaskew Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
@aveuaskew For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
@aveuaskew Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
@aveuaskew Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
@aveuaskew Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
@aveuaskew Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
@aveuaskew Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.