@aveuaskew

Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!

@aveuaskew

*walks into interview*

Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.

*walks out of interview*

@aveuaskew

My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.

@aveuaskew

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

@aveuaskew

For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.

@aveuaskew

Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.

@aveuaskew

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

@aveuaskew

Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.

@aveuaskew

Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

@aveuaskew

Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.