13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
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Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.