Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Me: I have a Black Belt
Me: Faux leather. 40”
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.