@bartandsoul

Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”

Her:

@bartandsoul

“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV

@bartandsoul

Me: I have a Black Belt

Her: Karate?

Me: Faux leather. 40”

@bartandsoul

I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.

@bartandsoul

Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?

@bartandsoul

Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”

My wife:

@bartandsoul

*putting fish sticks in a bowl

Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it

@bartandsoul

Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work

Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over

@bartandsoul

Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.