*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing