@bazecraze

Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”

@bazecraze

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.

@bazecraze

“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”

@bazecraze

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

@bazecraze

You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

@bazecraze

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

@bazecraze

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.

@bazecraze

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

@bazecraze

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.