Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
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[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.