@bdbdleeroybrown

My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.

@bdbdleeroybrown

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.

@bdbdleeroybrown

I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.

@bdbdleeroybrown

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

@bdbdleeroybrown

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”