@bea_ker

Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.

@bea_ker

I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’

@bea_ker

My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh

@bea_ker

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

@bea_ker

Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up

@bea_ker

“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup

@bea_ker

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”

@bea_ker

Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder

@bea_ker

GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards

@bea_ker

“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”