@beefman138

Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.

@beefman138

A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.

@beefman138

Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’

@beefman138

Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.

@beefman138

Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.

@beefman138

Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

– Alien Vs Creditor.

@beefman138

The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.

@beefman138

“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.

– Low key.

@beefman138

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

@beefman138

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?