That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
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On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Holy shit he’s back
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Noah
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
This guy gets it.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!