11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.