@bewgtweets

Date: so you were married twice before?

Me: yes

Date: any kids

Me: no they were both adults

@bewgtweets

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

@bewgtweets

You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do

@bewgtweets

I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.

@bewgtweets

[Interrogation]

Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me

*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl

@bewgtweets

Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas

Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame

CEO: I like it

@bewgtweets

Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit

Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again

@bewgtweets

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

@bewgtweets

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?