People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked