Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath