Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran