My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby