@bigmacher

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

@bigmacher

You’ve been promoted to customer

#FireSomeonePolitely

@bigmacher

The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.

@bigmacher

I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.

@bigmacher

#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.

@bigmacher

If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.

@bigmacher

#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’

@bigmacher

As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.

@bigmacher

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

@bigmacher

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.