me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
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Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now