Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
No. He’s not coming out to play
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.