Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
You Might Also Like
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
thanksgiving in nutshell
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.