@blueeyesgreene

Spice up grocery lists for your partner:

Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea

@blueeyesgreene

This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.

-talking to drunks & puppies

@blueeyesgreene

My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.

@blueeyesgreene

When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.

@blueeyesgreene

Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.

@blueeyesgreene

A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.

@blueeyesgreene

Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.

@blueeyesgreene

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.