Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
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Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
my retirement plan is braless
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.