
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?