@bonehugsnirony

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

@bonehugsnirony

[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship

@bonehugsnirony

The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.

@bonehugsnirony

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

@bonehugsnirony

I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.

@bonehugsnirony

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.

@bonehugsnirony

If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors

@bonehugsnirony

Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.

@bonehugsnirony

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*

@bonehugsnirony

Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?