@brendohare

In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me

@brendohare

If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process

@brendohare

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

@brendohare

To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does

@brendohare

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas

@brendohare

I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”

@brendohare

Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long